


All I Can Breathe Is Your Life

by geckoholic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-23
Updated: 2010-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:05:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/183783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Come morning, Dean won't remember a thing, the day will rewind back to that horrible Asia song and start all over again.</em> - Sam/Dean, first time, set in S3 during and after Mystery Spot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Can Breathe Is Your Life

**Author's Note:**

> For cocoaphonic. She prompted me with the lines _When everything's made to be broken; I just want you to know who I am_ from "Iris", and, well. She also made me promise I'd at least try to make it Sam/Dean, and since I apparently love my Jo way more than my principles... Yeah. Here we go. It's not that I had that many principles to begin with.
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful akintay, who got quite busy with holding my hand through this one, I fear. You're awesome, sweetie! ♥ All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Title is from "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls.

It's not supposed to happen like this.

Well, it wasn't supposed to happen at all.

Though, technically, Sam thinks, it doesn't even count. Come morning, Dean won't remember a thing, the day will rewind back to that horrible Asia song and start all over again.

But, let's start at the beginning.

  
***

  
Here's a fact: Sam's been stupidly, helplessly in love with his big brother ever since he was able to grasp the very concept of 'love'. Probably even before that.

He left, partly because he was hoping distance would make the feeling fade, but he still spent his first year of college seeking out men in shady bars who bore a striking resemblance to a certain someone, the face appearing in his mind when closed his eyes while he fucked them always the same.

Then he met Jess and finally found out that even though the feelings he sometimes thought he was born with would never go away, they did leave room for someone else. And he loved her, he really did.

But he lost Jess, Dean became the center of his life once again, the beginning and end of who he was, and Sam got thrown back to square one.

And so it happens, shortly after he's lost count of how many Tuesdays he's been through but still way before he notices what's odd about the diner, that Dean suggests they just call it quits for the day and get really, really drunk.

Sam hates how willingly he agrees to that. If they don't manage to get out of the loop, Dean will die _again_ , and he feels a little guilty for surrendering to what seems inevitable just like that.

But he's so exhausted. This once, he tells himself. Just this once.

They don't go out, Dean just drives over to the grocery shop to get the required amount of alcohol, and Sam half expects him to wreck the car on his way and the day to rewind.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Dean gets back safely with two bottles of whiskey, though, and they settle on the bed side by side, watch TV and pass the booze and a bag of chips back and forth.

At some point, Dean begins to slur apologies. For getting them into this mess, for making the deal, for screwing up and letting Sam die in the first place. For being afraid, for being a prick about it, for not starting to fight earlier. For even existing, basically.

And Sam panics, needs to shut him up, right this second. Can't take talking about that, not now. Not with the alcohol tearing down the walls he's so carefully built to protect himself from reality, from the fact that he's about to lose the only person in his life that still matters. He can't take Dean talking about himself like that either, berating himself, because that's the only light Dean ever learned to see his own life in.

All the while Sam would give anything to make his brother see just how much he's worth, how gorgeous he is on top of it, and how none of that is his fault. Make him see that he's Sam's whole world.

So he turns around, takes Dean's head between both his hands, and kisses him.

The last thing Sam expected, ever, at all, is Dean kissing back, but shockingly, that's exactly what his brother does. It's sloppy, he tastes like cheep whiskey and paprika-flavored potato chips, and it's the single best thing that ever happened to Sam.

Dean pulls back after a moment. Not much though, because Sam can still feel his breath on his face as well as his gaze, and his heart jumps to his throat.

Sam doesn't dare to open his eyes. Expects being yelled at, the bed dipping and Dean storming out the door or a fist connecting to his jaw.

None of that happens.

Instead, Dean swirls around on the bed, climbs on Sam's lap, one knee on either side of his hips, facing him, and starts to mouth and nibble at his jawline, his ear. He reaches up with his hand to cup the other side of Sam's face and whispers his name over and over: Sam, Sam, _Sammy_.

When they kiss again, it's nothing like the one just minutes ago. It's still messy, but skillful, a little playful too, and shit if Dean doesn't know what he's doing. He licks into Sam's mouth, but just a little, briefly pulls his lower lip between his teeth, and Sam can feel him smile against his mouth before they come up for air.

Sam's a little bit dizzy then, from the kiss and the lack of oxygen, and, yes, maybe also from becoming almost painfully hard.

And, sure enough, that doesn't escape Dean's attention.

He sits back, looking Sam into the eyes with a wide grin on his face, then to his crotch and back up, and Sam's pretty sure now that he's about to pass out.

Eyes still locked to Sam's, Dean leans forward again and palms Sam's cock through his jeans, a few quick strokes over the fabric before he fumbles with button and zipper.

Strangely, the last coherent thought Sam has before arousal clouds the details has something to do with a stray potato chip, digging into the heel of his hand when he puts more weight on it in order to thrust into the touch.

Dean slips in the bathroom when he goes to take a leak that night, hits his head on the sink, and then Asia's blaring out of the radio again.

  
***

  
After Mystery Spot, and that night, Sam decides to go all in. He never thought he'd have a shot at it, never considered the possibility that Dean might love him back that way. Until now.

Now, everything seems possible.

But he also decides that it's not going to happen like that again, not drunk and only half-aware and not really knowing what they do.

Sam has a plan. He'll do it right, ease them both into it.

  
***

  
The first step is the most difficult; he's pretty sure the rest will fall into place after that.

To say Sam's nervous about it would be an understatement. Part of him's still not believing, and the memories of Dean sprawled naked over his chest, panting and sweating, spent, running a hand through Sam's hair absentmindedly, are already fading.

But it wasn't a dream. Dean feels the same. He just has to cling to that thought.

One evening, researching the origins of a ghost doing mischief in a small town in Washington, Sam offers to make the food run. It's pouring outside, drops of rain against the window are giving a constant staccato of clung-clung-clung. Dean already showered and Sam knows how much he hates getting dressed and out there again after that.

Perfect opportunity.

Dean looks up from the newspaper clippings he's been skimming through and out of the window, and then answers, "Hey, if you insist, I'm not gonna stop you."

"I'm starving", Sam lies and reaches for his jacket.

When passing Dean by, Sam turns back as if he forgot something, leans down to where Dean's seated on the bed and presses a kiss to his lips, briefly, almost chaste. Then he turns his back, asks "Bacon Cheese, right?" and doesn't wait for an answer. He just hurries out of the room as if it's on fire.

Outside, he leans his head on the cold wood of the door, closes his eyes, and exhales sharply.

Dean tiptoes around him for a week after that, throws sideway glances, looks at Sam like he's a riddle he's got to solve.

Sam has no intention of bringing the topic up first. That's not the plan.

On a sunny afternoon somewhere in the vicinity of Santa Fe, after they just came up empty from another lead on demons and crossroads and how to cheat oneself out of a deal, Dean finally bites the bullet.

They just packed their things back into the car, and Dean leans against the black metal when Sam steps out of the motel's office. He's trying for casual, but Sam can tell from the way he holds himself that he's bracing himself for a conversation he really doesn't want to have.

"Don't you think we have something to talk about?", he says, looking at the ground instead of at Sam and kicking at the dry, sandy soil with his boot.

"Guess so."

Obviously not the answer Dean expected. He frowns.

Sam intends to wait him out, but Dean doesn't say anything else. He just keeps kicking streaks into the ground, gaze fixed on his feet like it's the most fascinating thing he's ever seen.

For a long while, there's no sound other than Dean's boots scratching across the sand, until Sam's had enough. He decides to screw his plan, take the wheel, and leans over to kiss Dean again. Longer, deeper, with some tongue for good measure.

Like the first time during the time loop, it's Dean who pulls back. He stares at Sam, swallows, then asks, "Is this really happening?"

Sam stares back, drinking in every detail of Dean's expression and trying to make sense of it. He looks confused and - can it really be? - carefully hopeful.

"Do you want it to?"

For a few horrible seconds, Dean hesitates, averts his eyes for a bit before making eye contact again, and Sam's heart misses a beat.

Then he nods, slowly.

Sam lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Then it's happening."

  
***

  
It's not supposed to happen like this. The timing couldn't be worse, with Dean's life and Sam's sanity on the line and just a few weeks to go before the deal is due.

But it might be their last chance to make it count, Sam thinks, Dean asleep beside him and the smell of sex hanging in the warm air.

They're all in.


End file.
